They cheated... Do I stay or do I go?
That mutherfucker did you wrong, but somehow you still love and care about them. How do you decide if the relationship is worth trying to save or if you really need to leave the bastard and try to move on? Betrayal is complicated because it can mean so many different things. Did your partner accidentally get too drunk and makeout with a rando or have they developed deep feelings for someone? Is it indicative of a deeper problem in the relationship, or simply circumstantial? Is it a one time mistake, or is it a pattern of hurtful behaviour?
There is no right answer here. However, there are signs you can look for that your partner is on a path towards bettering themselves, and perhaps if you give them another chance you won’t regret it.
The signs include:
Your partner straight up told you they messed up
If your partner disclosed their infidelity to you, that is SO MUCH better than you finding out in some other weird and painful way. This shows that your partner is being honest, and that this may have truly been a one time awful mistake that they deeply regret.
Your partner is being honest with you about what happened
It is a really bad sign if your partner can’t own up to the betrayal and be honest with you. I once found a picture of my partner kissing someone on an evening where he disappeared and didn’t call me back. He argued that this phone saved the date wrong and the kissing pic was from before we were dating. His phone must have had something against him, randomly saving the picture at 2 a.m. the night he disappeared. Also, who is stupid enough to take pics of them cheating on their girl? Regardless, an inability to own up to what happened is harmful because it is a sign that your partner has not learned from their mistake and may be more likely to make similar mistakes in the future. It is painful to talk about, but when a partner is honest with you about the details of what happened it shows a level of maturity and willingness to work on themselves that is a very positive sign.
It was short-lived
If your partner got drunk and acted a fool, this is much better than them consciously developing an emotional and/or sexual relationship with someone else. In the former case, your partner may be perfectly satisfied in your relationship, but made a circumstantial mistake. In the latter situation, they may have felt that there was something missing in your relationship. They may also have developed emotions for this other person, which further complicates things. Regardless, assess how willing they are to completely say goodbye to the person they cheated with forever. Any response other than ‘of course’ is a red flag.
Your friends and family like your partner
Those that are outside the relationship have a view untethered by love and attachment. This helps them to be more logical when analyzing the situation. If they like them and believe that they are able to change and that you crazy kids have a shot, that is a great sign.
Are they willing to do the hard work?
Do they seem super apologetic and willing to do anything to have another chance? Do they understand that healing will be a process and you can’t just “put it in the volt?” Have they assessed themselves and figured out what needs to change for them to never be in this situation again? If the answer to these questions is yes, I can understand wanting to give your partner another chance.
Cheating is always painful and awful. Unfortunately, some good people make really stupid mistakes. There may be some situations where giving your partner another chance will lead to years of happiness to come. There are also many situations where cheaters are schmucks, and they don’t deserve another chance. Hopefully this article can help you weigh the pro’s and con’s and work towards making the choice that is right for you!
If you aren’t sure if he is cheating but things don’t seem right, check out this blog: Top Signs He's Losing Interest in the Relationship and How to Fix It
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